Links
Archives
Hmm...
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
So far so good - I've been able to eat with control the last few days. My general activity level was low (I was a confirmed slug on the 2-day weekend) but I did make it to the gym for a good workout. Yesterday was successful on the eats front because I didn't eat until 2:00 - so I had a whole day to get points in. I actually still didn't have enough total points after dinner because I went for low fat / carb foods. Will I be able to keep this up? Don't know - it's hard to hang around with gem, she's not into physical anything and loves to eat. I think a lot of my problem is that eating is so tied into socialization for me and historically other non-food activities have not related to socialization as much.
I remember going on a hike one time for girl scouts - as an urban troop we didn't do a lot of physical activity things until summer camp - my mom was a chaperon and I remember her getting onto me that "my face was red and I was out of breath" and how unhealthy I was and how I needed to not eat so much and get more physical activity, I was so fat and that wasn't normal. Funny thing is, I liked the hike - I was having a good time in spite of the difficulty. I think that was the first time I enjoyed doing anything physical and how I learned to love hiking.
But I look at back and my mother's reaction and I realize to a great extent why I was fat. My mother really tried to reason with me as if I were another adult, and instead of helping me, she just scared me and made me feel bad. You can't tell a kid "you're bad, you're fat and you need to do something about it" - kids need guidelines. I needed someone to take me hiking and spend time with me, not scream at me for being something that I didn't understand. As a child, I did know that eating too much and doing to little made me fat, but to lose weight you need to make lifestyle changes, and that's something that's beyond the grasp of any ten-year old. I could sense it - but acting on it and making a change? Hmm...
I still have these issues with my mother - to this day she still doesn't understand, but at least I don't have to live with her. I was home over the holidays, and it was another glimpse of how disfunctional my (our) lives were over food. My mother to this day continues to nag me about my weight, "you've got to lose weight or you're going to die young. You're not healthy, you're not living up to your potential and I worry about you all the time." At the same time, she had a refrigerator stuffed with all types of fatty, high-carb food. Two years ago when I went home, same thing, but I didn't eat much and by the time I left that year, she was screaming at me (for a lot of reasons) in part because she'd bought all that food with no one to eat it, how I didn't care and so selfish, etc. So this year, same food - I swear there was enough for five people for a week and I was only there three days. I not only ate too much, I was stuffing food down the garbage disposal to get rid of it - to make it look like I was eating more of it. I know that's just sick, but I didn't want to fight with her about it. She's so nuts - this isn't even something that we can discuss rationally, even if I got through to her, she wouldn't remember it. Nope.
I remember going on a hike one time for girl scouts - as an urban troop we didn't do a lot of physical activity things until summer camp - my mom was a chaperon and I remember her getting onto me that "my face was red and I was out of breath" and how unhealthy I was and how I needed to not eat so much and get more physical activity, I was so fat and that wasn't normal. Funny thing is, I liked the hike - I was having a good time in spite of the difficulty. I think that was the first time I enjoyed doing anything physical and how I learned to love hiking.
But I look at back and my mother's reaction and I realize to a great extent why I was fat. My mother really tried to reason with me as if I were another adult, and instead of helping me, she just scared me and made me feel bad. You can't tell a kid "you're bad, you're fat and you need to do something about it" - kids need guidelines. I needed someone to take me hiking and spend time with me, not scream at me for being something that I didn't understand. As a child, I did know that eating too much and doing to little made me fat, but to lose weight you need to make lifestyle changes, and that's something that's beyond the grasp of any ten-year old. I could sense it - but acting on it and making a change? Hmm...
I still have these issues with my mother - to this day she still doesn't understand, but at least I don't have to live with her. I was home over the holidays, and it was another glimpse of how disfunctional my (our) lives were over food. My mother to this day continues to nag me about my weight, "you've got to lose weight or you're going to die young. You're not healthy, you're not living up to your potential and I worry about you all the time." At the same time, she had a refrigerator stuffed with all types of fatty, high-carb food. Two years ago when I went home, same thing, but I didn't eat much and by the time I left that year, she was screaming at me (for a lot of reasons) in part because she'd bought all that food with no one to eat it, how I didn't care and so selfish, etc. So this year, same food - I swear there was enough for five people for a week and I was only there three days. I not only ate too much, I was stuffing food down the garbage disposal to get rid of it - to make it look like I was eating more of it. I know that's just sick, but I didn't want to fight with her about it. She's so nuts - this isn't even something that we can discuss rationally, even if I got through to her, she wouldn't remember it. Nope.
Saturday, January 17, 2004
So - maybe the soothing green will encourage me to eat less? I'm starting this to journal on a quest to lose weight and hopefully get into better shape. I have a lot of thoughts about this and I don't take a lot of time to reflect - so stay tuned...
